Cut the Shit

Bye Gay Pride – Hello Birthday!

Let’s just say that Gay Pride wiped me OUT this year. On Thursday I was at a happy hour that went until 10pm. Then, I went to bed at 5:30am on both Friday and Saturday nights and by the time I woke up for the parade on Sunday, I looked at Paul and said “Please don’t make me go.” He laughed and was super cool about it and we ended up having our only little family gay pride parade. We took Tyler out for a walk and with us when we went to a nice lunch. It was exactly the day I needed after running around NYC like a lunatic.

This week has been all about getting ready for the upcoming birthday festivities. Here’s my shortlist of what my plans are:

Friday: My brother comes to town for a night of videogames, drinks, pizza, videogames, drinks, pizza – rinse and repeat.

Saturday: My parents join my brother and me at my apartment and they bring our family dog with them (We are dogsitting for them while they are on vacation for a week – Tyler is psyched!). My parents have planned some birthday games and we will have drinks, eat pizza, play games, open presents – rinse and repeat.

Sunday: My actual birthday! I’m spending the day with Paul and I’m hoping he plans something fun. Otherwise I’ll be depressed and watching TV all day.

Monday: My brother comes back to my apartment having been kicked out the day before. We play videogames and hang out and get ready to meet up with Angie and Kelly for a nice dinner and some dancing. Twill be a night that goes WAY too late.

Tuesday: 4th of July! I’m throwing a party at my apartment that will entail more drinks (at this point, I will completely sick of vodka/redbull and Pinot Grigio). We will hang out, make some new friends, and walk two blocks to South Street Seaport to see an AMAZING fireworks display. When the fireworks end, so do I.

Wednesday: The day of rest . No drinks. No games. No guests in my apartment. Just me, the two dogs, a little of Paul and a whole day of movies, trash TV and whatever food I feel like shoving into my face.

Thursday: Back to work, cursing under my breath the whole time.

Pretty great, overall, eh?

This is the first birthday in years that I’ve planned completely on my own. That could explain why I feel a little down about the whole thing. I know it will turn out to be a fantastic weekend, but I feel like there aren’t any surprises waiting for me and if you know Joe, you know that he loves surprises.

Next year is my 30th and I count on that to be a major blow out. So this year, I’m going to do my best to have no expectations. If I can manage to actually do that, I know that I will have a wonderful time all around.

My friends and family are incredible people and I know they’ll go out of their way to make sure I’m happy. Maybe I’m a little sad cuz it’s the calm before the storm. I get like that sometimes. But then the event comes and I fully enjoy myself. So it’s probably a good thing that I’m feeling a little pth about it at the moment.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll finally take it up the ass on my birthday this year!

That could be a present that is LONG overdue.

Surely I will report back on all of this and definitely expect some posts between now and my big day.

And lastly…I still haven’t heard back about the audition I did last week. That is very discouraging, but I’m not getting bent out of shape about it. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. I just can’t figure out WHY I didn’t get a call. I thought they loved me. Harumph.

Take care all!

NY Gay Pride Is Upon Us

Obviously, first things first!

My audition yesterday went flawlessly! Other than a major train problem on my way there (which left me covered in sweat from running in between hundreds of people in Times Square), everything went perfectly. I arrived JUST in time and went in to do my reading. I really prepared for this audition and had the lines memorized and even created my own backstory for my character. I guess it went well, cuz when I finished, the director and his assistants sat there with their jaws wide-open and said “Wow”. I kind of blushed and they said “We will DEFINITELY call you”. Beaming with pride, I got up to walk out of the room when the director stopped me and said “Would you be interested in reading for another part that I have in a different play?” I was like “WHAT!? YES!” I gotta tell you, when I walked out of the audition I was on cloud 9. Or even cloud 142. Having not auditioned in forever, it was really difficult for me to break the ice on this whole process. It was almost like the whole thing was being done by someone else and I was hovering above my body watching it unfold. Of course, now I wait to see if they really do call me and offer me a part, but even if they don’t…I could not have done that audition any better than I did. And if anything, I reaffirmed to myself that I am a talented actor that has experience and knowledge in the field. I’m definitely in this city for the right reason. If only I could be offered the opportunity to explore this dream even further.

With the audition over, I can now focus on the next important thing in my life. GAY PRIDE 2006! Tonight I’m off to a gay guy bar with some friends to hang out and maybe meet a cute boy. Tomorrow night, I’m off to my friend Tessa’s apartment to introduce Tyler to her new puppy, Otto. My hope is that they will get along famously and become instant best friends. Saturday night I have the pier party which will consist of about 1,000 lesbians and me. Then Sunday is the parade and putting the final touches on a crazy and exciting week.

Best part? When this week is over…my birthday is just around the corner. And I’ve got so much planned for that, I can’t even get into it yet. The next two weeks are going to be absolutely fantastic and considering the last two weeks I’ve had, it couldn’t come at a better time.

Um, y’all? I’m going to be 29 years old. I’m not that bothered by it overall. Mostly, I’m just worried that I won’t have a HUGE BLOWOUT of a 30th birthday party. Ay yi yi. Only Joe CuttheShit would start to worry about a birthday that is over a year away. But I digress. I’m getting older and although I don’t look any older than I did at 25, inside I know that I’m growing up; that I’m moving on to the next phase of my life. That’s craptastic.

Finally…some things you may not know, but need to be made aware of:

1) David Hasselhoff is on the new “America’s Got Talent” and he is the biggest fucking loser on the planet. I DETEST dorks with power. DETEST. The show itself was quite amusing, but if it wasn’t for Brandy (yes THAT Brandy), sitting next to David and telling him to shut the fuck up every five minutes, I wouldn’t be able to stomach even a second of it.

2) I don’t care what the reviews said, Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang is by far one of the WORST movies I’ve seen in a LONG time. It’s a piece of trash. Val Kilmer is still on my good side, but I could do without seeing Robert Downey Jr. in another movie for as long as I live. Member when he was so cute and promising in Chances Are and Chaplin? Well, he snorted that talent up his nose, out his ass and into the toilet. I find him to be absolutely cringe worthy.

3) The Hills on MTV is so fucking ridiculous and hilarious. If you’ve ever got a free half an hour…watch this shit. You will laugh your ass off at how LAME our society has become. These people consider themselves “CELEBRITIES”? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG. In ten years, these bitches are going to WISH they didn’t look as highly on themselves as they do. TOOLS – the lot of them.

4) I don’t know about you, but has anyone realized how HOT Timbaland has gotten? Holy fucking shit. That dude used to be fatty big, but now he’s buff big and the word on the street is that he’s going to compete in an upcoming bodybuilding competition in Miami. Um. His beats were fly before, but NOW, SO fly I just came in my pants.

5) I’m still absolutely infuriated by Nelly Furtado’s new album. What happened to my hot little Latina, folk singer? She’s still hot and she’s still Latina, but what happened to her creative and edgy songs? This R&B phase is pissing me the fuck off. I’m totally slapping her in the ass when I see her. She needs a good reprimanding. Unless she her goal was to cater to the 13 year old girls of the world. In which case, I’ll pack up my fandom and walk away without turning back.

That’s it for today.

Have a good one!

The Missing

If you haven't already realized...the missing is ME, Joe Cuttheshit. Come on ya'll...my sitemeter hasn't decreased an OUNCE since my absence, yet you sit there every day and don't comment and act all "Well, he hasn't written in two days, so F him."

Dawgs. So much has happened and that's exactly why I haven't written. Understand? I hope so. Cuz I don't have the time to really get into everything, so for now, bullet points:

1) I fell down the stairs. We know this, we accept this. Since that post I've seen a back/neck specialist and I need to have two months of Physical Therapy. Only hilarous because the place where I do this is a "Sports and Medicine" place and this dude failed flag football. Lame. So I will be with jocks stengthening their "bum" knee as I strengthen my "subway" arm. Oh man, I'm embarrassed. And if they ask me to use the Physical Therapy pool (a literal pool), I will say no cuz my body isn't ready for a big debut. This whole thing is such a hassle. And costs me a co-pay. IF ANYTHING, I should have carpal tunnel syndrome for lifting and eating Buffalo Wings every other day.

2) I was hit on by the owner of a Porn Company recently and when I laughed in his face, he grabbed me by the arms and kissed me long and good. I was incredibly turned on until he grabbed my boner and in a lisp said "Oh, so somebody LIKES me". To which I immediately rapped his knuckles and said "NEVER. I'm not into your story and you NEVER touch me unless invited." He then turned me around and grabbed me by my arms in a handcuff situation (from which I have the bruises to prove it) and I went limp and said very quietly "Get off". The dude had a phenomenal body and a gorgeous face, but he wanted me to pose for pictures...to which...I remembered...on yeah, maybe I'd like to try being an actual actor. I took my bruises and left.

3) Last week at the height of my pain, I got a call from my Junior Prom date (whom I haven't talked to in a decade) telling me that a highschool friend of mine died of a drug overdose. Immediately following that conversation, I reconnected with a part of my life that I had long ago forgotten. I was confronted with ALL of my fears about who I was and I opened myself up to the possibilities. I can't and won't get into the details of my friends death, but in so many ways, her departure was my rebirth. Babwa, if you're out there...Heathdawg...if you're out there...thank you for welcoming me back into the "friendship" the way you did. It's been a positive, but overall devastating event in my life. And at this point, I'm still not dealing with it.

4) BECAUSE...tomorrow I have an audition. A big one. Or at least bigger than I've had in a while. I can't get into it too much cuz I'm not putting any eggs in any baskets...but I've MEMORIZED my audition piece (most people would NEVER) and I've worked on it repeatedly with my girl Kelly...and tomorrow at 3:10pm I do it. I just shut the fuck up and do it. Holy shit I'm just going to do it. I can't get into it more cuz on my theater resume I list this site as an accomplishment, so far all I know, they're reading it right now. But after the audition, I'll give all the info. up.

That's it for now. Tyler barks too much. Paul and I fight and love each other to the point of confusion and I still think about my Rita and her beautiful Ruby every day of my life.

What else is there?

Be back soon.

Standing Up

I typed "Standing up" in google images (where I get all my pics) and this dude (to the left) popped up. I laughed and then thought "For the love of God, what kind of douchebag lets this picture get released?" For shame.

I'm currently back in my apartment, having left work at 4pm. I got there at 10am and did my best to get through the day, but the pain in my back is a constant reminder that I should have probably just stayed at home. But man, if I "had" to watch one more episode of Maury Povich, I would have killed myself. Personally I'm a Starting Over fan cuz I just love those crazy bitches. They're SO like me cept I actually go to work and don't blame other people for my problems.

In any case, pretty uneventful day at work and it was nice to have all of my co-workers fawning all over me. "How ARE you?", "Can I get you anything?", "Would you like me to blow you under your desk?" They were all very sweet although they probably could have done without me showing them my busted up knee at every free moment. "Look guys, it's healing!" "Look guys, the bruise is starting to turn a greenish yellow!" Having bruises makes for built in hilarity and I totally capatilized on that today.

My friend Kelly and I just spoke on the phone for the first time since I fell. She was like "How could this have been so serious and I haven't talked to you for two days?"

And I got to thinking...when something big happens to me (the bad stuff, not the good stuff), I get all quiet and don't reach out for assistance. It's just how I am. I had Paul at home and he took amazing care of me (like REAL amazing care of me - I was utterly impressed). But I still haven't talked to Rita, Angie, or Mariah about this. And usually I would call them right away.

If one of my friends took this kind of spill, I would be so upset if they didn't let me know right away. I would want to be that friend in need. Always. But when it's in reverse, I tend to hide out in my cave and get myself back to the place where I can resume taking care of other people. It's strange. Not healthy. And I realize that. But in this instance, the life lesson kind of screamed in my face.

LEAN ON OTHERS. ASK FOR HELP.

There was a moment in the last two days where I was laying on my stomach and Paul was massaging the nemisis in my back...

He got up and went to the bathroom and then got on the phone. He was gone for 15 minutes. In that time, I laid there and tried to figure out a way to turn my body over. All I wanted to do was sit up and change the channel on the television. But I couldn't. I couldn't move an INCH. Stuck lying on my stomach. For 15 minutes, I just LAID - trying to Macguyver my way out of the situation and to no avail.

Against my will, I started to softly cry. Just a tear or two, shed for myself, representing my frustration in realizing that this was one of the more serious injuries I've ever had. Being someone who deals more with emotional handicaps (I've never broken a bone OR been devastatingly ill), it was a new experience for me; being unable to even get out of bed - by will - emotional breakdowns don't count in this situation.

Of course my overactive brain starts to imagine scenarios where instead of busting up my knee, I actually broke my spine and was permanently in a wheelchair. (shudder) I truly believe that I don't have the personal strength to ever survive an ordeal like that. But then again, who would think they could survive something like that BEFORE it happens?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this fall could have been much, much worse.

We all have those brief seconds every day where our life could change forever. I'm incredibly grateful to God that I've never had to deal with this type of situation. And I'm incredibly grateful to those in my personal life who have immediately come to my aid without me asking.

And God bless me, if I ever do end up paralyzed or violently ill, I can only hope that I will be a Lance Armstrong or a Ryan White (look him up if you don't know who he is - shame on you.:)).

I can only hope that I would be a Mikey (you know who you are).

Everyone expects me to be the healthy guy. When I was talking to my dad a couple of weeks ago, he said "I never worry that you're going to die. Your brother, I worry every day (He was in Iraq for a year and a half)." Which is funny to me, cuz I'm the one in the family that has thought the most about suicide, but I digress.

When my parents found out that I took a fall, my mom basically burst into tears on the phone and my dad called me every five minutes on my commute to work today. "Just making sure you got there ok."

I guess that, in a way, I've looked at my physical health the way that my family looked at it. Everything will always be ok. "If you got off the couch more often, then we'll discuss it". Fair enough.

But I am vulnerable. At 28 (almost 29-eep!) I am finally realizing that I'm NOT invincible. My time will come and the future is unwritten. For good AND for bad. Maybe I'm not the teenager that I still believe I am. Maybe I became a MAN in the process of growing older. In which case...hot!

Anyway...a lot to think about for a Wednesday. But then again, what day of the week does it HAVE to be for my mind not to go to the extreme?

If Joey Fell

As is typical on a Monday morning, my alarm goes off, I hate life, I shower, smoke 2 cigarettes and leave the apartment for work. My ipod is on, I'm listening and trying to get my mood up as I enter the steps to the subway.

In the past, I've had a weird experience with this particular set of stairs. For some reason, as I go down them, my eyes always blur and I feel like I'm going to fall. And as though it was a psychotic premonition, I fell.

My sneakered toe stubbed on one of the steps and I tumbled. First the right knee, then a 180 to catch the entire weight of my body on my left arm. PROTECT THE FACE! PROTECT THE FACE!

There were gasps and screams from the other people and two wonderful black women who came over and assisted me to my feet. "Are you ok?", "Can you walk?", "Do you live around here?". "Yes, I'm fine. I'll be ok. I live around the block."

I walk into my apartment, immediate panic.

My jeans are ripped, my right knee is HUGE, and I can't move my neck either way.

After much hemming and hawwing (hawwing?) on my part, I ended up in the emergency room.

6 hours, a cortizone shot to my spine, a few recommendations for physical therapy later and I was released.

Of course I immediately came home and went to bed, Paul bathed me, and I joked about how I hoped the rest of my life wouldn't be ruined by a set of stairs.

But never fret!

Sitting here now, cortizone shot setting in, Hydrocodone doing it's thing...I think I'm ok.

But I'm still reminded...

How easy is it to ruin your body? How easy is it to fuck yourself up so bad that you could never walk again?

So I took a tumble, but others have taken the same tumble and been paralyzed. How easy? So easy.

Shit.

Time for Joe to be even MORE cautious than ever before. And thank God that I'm going to be ok.

Ay.

yi yi.

And also...so embarrassing.

Happy Friday

Hey all!

Don't have too much time for a post today, but I wanted to say have fun and enjoy the weekend!

But before I go, I want to give a special shout-out to my friend Tessa, who gave a STELLAR performance in her cabaret show last night. I sat there in awe for an hour and barely even blinked. The girl blew it up! Post forthcoming. But Tessa...you are UNREAL - and hopefully taking me right to the top with you!

And to Kelly, who is (at this moment) having her wisdom teeth out. God speed my friend! See you soon for an afternoon of babying and loving.

Be good everyone!

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Attend the Tale of Sweeney Todd!

Since I was 16 years old, I’ve been attending Broadway shows at every chance. I’ve seen more than I can remember, ranging from Cats to Wicked and I’ve gotta say…it’s been years since I’ve had the kind of theater experience that I had last night.

My mom and I sat in the front row of the Eugene O’Neill Theater and from the moment the curtain went up, we were immediately submersed into the world of Sweeney Todd, the barber turned killer of Fleet Street. Having done the show in college, I knew the plotline and the score, so I thought that I was completely prepared for what I was about to see. Yet no amount of knowledge or experience I had prior would have prepared me for this phenomenal production.

The new imagining of Sweeney Todd is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. There are only 10 actors in the show and EACH one of them was able to sing and ACT (which is INCREDIBLY rare for musical actors). But the most shocking thing of all? There is no orchestra! The cast plays their OWN instruments!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes. Patti LuPone comes out in one scene playing a TUBA! And I have never, ever, EVER seen people sing so expertly while jamming down on a cello, a violin, an upright bass and an accordion. My God…it was shocking, to say the least.

After seeing RENT two weeks ago and being a bit disappointed at the lack of energy and excitement, I was a bit hesitant to attend another Tuesday evening performance albeit a different show. However, while in RENT the actors leave the stage when their character is not performing, the cast of Sweeney Todd remains on stage during the entire production. It’s exhausting for them, yet you would never know it as EACH and EVERY one of them remained focused and full of energy. When the actors believe so strongly in their show, it’s impossible for the audience not to feel the same way.

The three stand-out performers are, without a doubt, Patti LuPone as Mrs. Lovett, Michael Cerveris as Sweeney Todd and Manoel Felciano as Tobias. At the end of the show, when Tobias loses his mind, he was crying so hard that he had tears and snot streaming down his face. He was a hot mess and I sat there thinking “It’s been years since I’ve seen an actor lose themself so deeply in a role.” I wanted to jump on to the stage and just touch him – just put one finger on his arm to make sure that he was actually a real, live human being and not a figment of my overactive imagination. Can anyone say TONY?

ALSO – special shout out to Diana Dimarzio who not only kicks ass as the “Beggar Woman”, but also plays a fierce clarinet.

The directing of this show was absolutely outstanding. The actors spent most of the show singing out to the audience and while I usually hate that style of staging, it worked flawlessly in this production. Of the nine characters on stage, only three survive the massacre unleashed by Sweeney’s straight razor. At first I thought…how are they going to have an orchestra left when each one of the actors gets killed off? But then they did the most amazing thing. When a character was killed, they put on a barber’s coat with blood on it to signify that they had died. THEN the actor dropped the character from their body movements and walked around the stage with their instrument so effortlessly that you barely noticed they were even there. The DETAIL! The unbelievable attention to DETAIL!

Rather than have blood spurt from the necks of the victims, another character would pour blood from one bucket into another to signify the loss of life. Being someone who loves spectacle in theater, you would think that this would bother me. But because the ENTIRE show was stylized with symbolism instead of gore, it made it even MORE powerful than seeing it done literally.

There is virtually no set and not a single costume change. And honestly, the stage itself was fairly small in size, so it was beautiful to see these actors glide around from one place to another so smoothly. The show has been obviously well rehearsed and it’s like watching a tremendous machine with each of its cognitive parts moving in and out and back and forth without one single glitch.

Possibly the most powerful aspect of the show is that there is no conductor guiding these actors through the score. They feed off each other and never miss a note. EVER. As the show pushes forward, the music crescendos to the point of blowing the roof off the theater and then decrescendos to allow for a shift in storyline or character development. When Act 2 comes to a close, your heart will be at the point of bursting and it will not subside until the moment when Sweeney Todd, himself, walks to the back of the stage and slams the door in your face.

Terry Teachout of the Wall Street Journal, in his review of the show, said that “When you’re sitting in the theater, you won’t want to be anywhere else in the world.” I agree 100%. When the actors came out for their curtain call, I jumped out of my seat so quickly that my playbill and jacket fell to the floor. I don’t remember the last time I clapped and screamed so loud with applause. And in turn, Patti LuPone, who is a goddess of the theater, turned to my mom and me and blew us a kiss. I about died. Her humility and gratefulness made me weep with joy.

There is no doubt in my mind that Sweeney Todd will win Best Musical Revival at this Sunday’s Tony Awards. There is also no doubt in my mind that Patti LuPone will win for best lead actress in a musical. And if there is any justice in the world, Michael Cerveris will beat out John Lloyd Young (Jersey Boys) and Harry Connick Jr. (The Pajama Game) for best lead actor in a musical. Lastly, if anything, John Doyle deserves to win best director for a musical. His work is SO ON POINT, to say the least.

For the first time in a while, I will be watching the Tony’s with baited breath. There are many deserving nominees, but few of them are in a production as PERFECT as Sweeney Todd.

*If you’d like to see a brief preview of this production, click here.

Big Love with Mama Soprano

First let me just say that I’m feeling much better about what happened to me on Friday night. I can’t explain how grateful I am to all of you that left me supportive comments and in some cases, offers to kick the living shit out of my craptastic friends. I felt so low on Friday night and I know that I need to keep a stiff upper lip when it comes to this type of harassment. It’s definitely something I’m working on, but I hope you understand that since I was 7 years old, I’ve been called a “Fag” by one person or another. It takes a long time to create a wall against 21 years of such hate filled bullshit. I’ll get there and mostly because I have people like you out there in my internet community offering a shoulder to cry on. You really come to my aid when I need it and the only thing I can really do is say “Thank you”. From the bottom of my heart.

My mom came to town for a business trip this weekend and on Sunday we went out to dinner. Well, it was supposed to be dinner, but it ended up being two appetizers and two very large bottles of wine. My mom doesn’t drink, like ever, so I figured I would drink most of the bottle and she would sample the different foods we ordered. Not so! I knew we were in trouble when she said “Joe, is it me or is this the best wine you’ve ever had?!” The wine WAS very good, but I think the overall experience is what my mom was drunk on.

We sat outside and smoked cigarettes and talked and talked about everything under the sun. When the first bottle of wine was gone, my mom was like “We’re getting another one.” “But mom, maybe we should just get a glass and then go back to my apartment and relax.” “I said another bottle!” HAHAHA. WELL OK! We got another bottle and Paul joined us with Tyler. The four of us sat and finished it up before heading over to the Dog Park for a bit. Tyler ran around and went crazy and when he was tired out, we all went back to my pad.

I packed up the bong and passed it around and my mom took a few tokes. I gave her a HUGE glass of ice water, knowing she would need it. But to no avail…in the midst of a laughing fit, she got up and said “I’m going to get sick!” OH MAN! I got my mom so drunk that she puked! OY! She handled it like a champ, but needless to say, there was no more wine for the moms. She hung out for a few more hours, eating and laughing and relaxing on my couch. It was the absolute BEST to have her there.

Last night we walked all over the city and shopped and tonight we’re seeing Sweeney Todd on Broadway! FRONT ROW! YAHOOOOOOO! I’m absolutely psyched and will be devastated when she has to leave tomorrow. Really sad.

After I put my mom into a cab, Paul and I sat in front of the television to watch The Sopranos finale. I had spent a good ten hours over the last week catching up on every episode from Season Six so that I would be prepared for what was being touted as the “SHOCKING FINALE!” For those of you who have seen it, do I need to go any further? The episode (with the exception of Christopher fucking Juliana) was a complete wash. I mean seriously. Nothing exciting happened at all and there wasn’t a single cliffhanger. I could have taken a dump that was more exciting than that. And good thing I got this all out of the way before the second half of the series finale starts up – IN 2007!!!!! SHEESH!

After this major let down, I was a bit nervous for the Big Love finale that premiered directly after the Snoresanos! BUT LET ME TELL YOU! If you are STILL fighting the good fight and ignoring this show, you have absolutely lost your mind. There is not one show this whole television season that has been as consistent, intriguing, and emotionally captivating as Big Love. My Lawd! In the season finale, my jaw HIT the floor when Nikki walked down the stairs all decked out and gorgeous. I mean…Chloe Sevigny has been my shiznit for years anyway, but seeing her act her ass off in Mormon clothes all season, ALMOST made me forgot how unbelievably beautiful she is. My jaw laid on the floor during the entire scene. Then when she was having drinks with Margene in the bar, I just couldn’t stop staring at her. Take away the clothes and Chloe is STILL Nikki and a powerhouse of an actor. I just about lost my shit, as you can tell.

Then the ultimate in ultimates. Barb gets busted for being a Polygamist during the “Mother of the Year” award presentaion and everything spiraled out of control. (We all KNEW that this whole “Mother of the Year” thing was a bad idea – and boy were we right!)

The last scene with the wives – sitting on Barb’s bed while she’s sobbing – literally ripped my guts out. In fact, my guts are STILL lying in a pile of mess on my living room floor.

BEST LINES OF THE TV SEASON:

Barb: “I got what I deserved.”
Nikki: “Oh Boss Lady.”

My eyes exploded and my tears let loose. It’s like I truly believe that these characters are real people! My heart was actually ACHING for an hour after the show. I couldn’t stand it. If the term “Boss Lady” means nothing to you…then boy do you have a LOT of catching up to do.

It’s so funny, cuz I watched MANY a season finale this year and every time I felt like I was always saying “Eh” at the end of them. Some finales had explosions, some had marriages, and some had babies being popped out at every turn (7th Heaven anyone? – and no I don’t watch that fluff). But what television producers should do for next fall is take note of Big Love and how beautifully a show can be put together. There’s no need for all of those bells and whistles when you have incredible writing and knockout actors doing there job to the fullest of their ability.

GO BIG LOVE!

And that is it for today.

Have a good Tuesday all!

FUCKING BULLSHIT

So ironic that a week ago right now I was sitting in my friend Rita's condo writing about how at "peace" I was with the world.

Tonight I went out with ANOTHER friend of mine from college that was visiting me in NYC and it was the exact opposite.

I showed up at the restaurant with FLOWERS and the best attitude you could imagine...

Everything was going fine...I felt good, I looked good, my friend and I were having a great time.

My friend happens to be hot and single. So fucking what?

I haven't seen her in almost a year so we had a lot to catch up on.

HER friends were running the show and they chose a fucking FRAT bar to go to for drinks and food. Seriously. You're visiting New York Fucking City and you pick a trailertastic FRAT bar to go to? Get a clue.

Yet I sucked it up and I went along for the ride.

I loved seeing my friend and we totally bonded and enjoyed each others company.

But over the last hour of our visit I could tell that there were some straight guys that wanted to get into her pants.

About a half an hour before I left, one of the guys bumped into me and turned to one of the people in the group and said "Why does she keep talking to that fag?"

I stopped and looked at him like he had 7 heads?

Did he just call me a FAG in a New York City bar?

He stared me down, eye to eye, just so I knew he made his point.

Yes I'm a FAG and why didn't I immediately get on my knees and ask everyone's forgiveness for it? Why don't I lick the shoes of every close minded heterosexual in the place? I mean seriously. I'm a fag. It's what's expected, right? REPENT and become straight. Otherwise...you DESERVE the ridicule.

And you know what I did?

I sucked it up, told my friend I had to leave and I got into a cab.

It NEVER gets easier when you're called a FAG. And moreso, it still hurts the same when you're called a FAG in front of a good friend.

The worst part...my friend thought this guy was "cute".

How can he possibly be cute when he called me a FAG?

HOW?

FUCKING HOW.

I'm so angry.

I am SO angry.

These people are visiting NYC from Buffalo and they have the nerve to make these kind of comments. And the ones that don't make the comments look at me and treat me like I'm a fucking circus freak.

Dance monkey dance.

I need to let this go. I need to rise above it.

I know this.

But truthfully...I have a dozen friends in my life who consider my FAGness to be a beautiful and understandable thing.

Yet I still sit here and feel like my whole night was ruined because I was once again reminded

THAT no matter WHAT I wear

That no matter how CHARMING I am

That no matter how funny I can be

I'm always going to be the FAG boy that lives in NYC.

I can't tell you how tired I am of this shit.

Had I been carrying a gun tonight, I'll tell you right now...

I would have pulled it out and shot this fucker right in the face. IN HIS FUCKING FACE.

Yes I would have spent the rest of my life in jail...

But so what.

MOTHER FUCK.

I AM SO TIRED of being treated like an inferior just because I was born a GODDAMN homosexual.

I never use the Lord's name in vain, but tonight...tonight...it's the only word that seems to truly represent how devastated I feel.

I'm NOT A FUCKING FAG.

I'm Joe CuttheShit and I'm fantastic.

I don't make ANYONE feel less than they are, so why...no matter how wonderful I try to be...

Why am I always going to be the faggot?